The Blog of meggi51

Guess you'll all be fed up by now, of hearing me whinge.

However, those of you who've followed my Depression theme will know from whence I come.

As usual, my dears, I'm feeling guilty.

Days without touching alcohol, then I fall off the wagon.

I feel particularly awful because my son, Calum, gave me a present today.

Couple of years ago, I had two slim vases of blue glass, given to me by an honourary aunt.

They sat on the windowsill of our living room.

Our dog, Rusty, being a great guard dog, leapt at the windowsill, when someone rang the doorbell and knocked both the vases off the sill, shattering them beyond repair.

Not Rusty's fault and I never held her responsible.

I did, however, mourn the loss of the vases.

Ten years on, my younger son remembered and when he came across a blue glass vase in a local shop, he bought it for me.

I'm looking at it now and the sight of it reduces me to tears.

He can see who I really am, forgetting all the years of my depression, the years of me drinking and being less than a real Mum.

Why can't my husband do the same.....?

Don't get me wrong; those of you who know me will know by now that I ADORE my husband.

I think he loves me, but therer are issues.

He'll never admit it, but I know that he's just as addicted to booze as I am.

Never a night goes by but he drinks at least four cans of beer.

What I don't understand is that we're both supposed to have the same amount of money each week. BUT, if I buy the same amount of mtobacco and beer as he does, I run out of money by Wednesday.

He seems to be able to carry on buying baccy and beer all through the week.

When I run out of cash - though I never ask him for money - he treats me like I'm a pathetic child, who hasn't the first idea how to handle her pocket money.

Good Lord! For more years than I could count, I managed a household budget that was far smaller than HE could imagine!

He tells me that my drinking is going to destroy our marriage.

He says that I spend more than we have coming in.

Then he goes out to the supermarket and comes back with a bottle, which he plonks down in front of me, saying, 'Don't ask for anything else!'

He says he wants me to stop drinking, yet he puts booze in front of me every day!

I'm not stupid, whatever some may think.  I really have to ask myself if my husband REALLY wants me to stop drinking, or whether he just pays lip-service to that ideal.

Anyone have any thoughts on this I'd like to hear them.

Just DON'T tell me I need to getotu more!