The Blog of meggi51

So, here I am, Sunday, 25th May.

Thought I was doing okay, having laid off the sauce all weekend so far.

Felt pretty good, cept I didn't sleep last night. Back pain awful.

Got into gear this morning. Hung out load of washing, prepared dinner,all in the grip of tiredness and pain, decided to take some time for myself.

Stupid, stupid......Decided to have a lunchtime drink whilst answering Emails.

You know the rest......Just made the mistake of forgetting I'd put a pan on the hob, while running upstairs to check on the print-run I had going on the PC.

Next thing I know, son is yelling up the stairs that the kitchen is on fire!

Exaggeration. The pan was smoking, sure, but long way from being on fire.

Nevertheless, I've ruined the dinner and feel like I've let my family down YET AGAIN.

They put up with my mood-swings and my lapses into boozing, but I wonder how long the status quo can remain.

Life was easier when I got married for the first time in 1984.

We had NOTHING.

Our first house was uncarpetted, I had no washing machine. Used to do all the washing by hand in the sink every morning before I went to work.

No car, so I had to carry the shopping home in a bag on wheels and carrier bags.

No help from my slob of a first husband.

Things got done, though. Everything fitted around my work schedule, that of my husband, my son's school hours.So what if, occasionally, I collapsed from exhaustion-induced illness.....?

Nearly a quarter of a century later, I have an automatic washing machine, a microwave, my house is - if not up-to-the-minute - at least carpeted.

I have a telephone, a mobile and the Internet.

What I don't have is control over my life.

My husband is at work. My son is watching a DVD.

I burned the dinner, for which crime I'll be made to suffer.

Not physically, but by the tacit cutting off of me from their circle.

If, just ONCE, they could grasp how hard I battle to keep from descending into the black pit of despair; how hard I TRY to stay off the booze - how hard I fight to keep going when my back gives me unremitting agony and deprives me of sleep.....

But they don't.

I guess it's part of the human  condition that we see the doings of others only inasmuch as they impact upon our own lives.

Feedback very welcome.