The Blog of meggi51

Anyone out there feel the same.....?Yet another day alone.

I'm sitting here at my PC, watching the world as represented by my back garden and wondering why I feel so isolated from life.

I hardly ever go out because 1) I have a painful back condition that makes walking more than a few yards difficult and 2) I'm always short of money.

I wish I could work, but I have no qualifications, having spent the whole of my adult life raising children and keeping house.

Once upon a time, I used to earn a little money by cleaning the houses of wealthy women, but that's closed to me now because of my back condition.

I'd hoped that when we got Internet connected, I might find some work I could do from home. That isn't happening, though, because everything I've viewed on line seems to require some initial cash outlay.

My younger son - the only child still at home - has a thriving gardening business, that brings in good money. I don't begrudge him any of it, because he works hard to earn his cash. I do feel bitter at times, though, when he talks about what he's going to buy this week. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here, often having to search for pennies just to afford the price of a stamp in order to post a letter to my two pals who aren't on line, or send a birthday card.

I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but I get so lonely and that makes me turn inward.

Doesn't help that I'm menopausal, which makes me feel old, tired and useless.

I feel guilty for the way I push my family away at times. It seems, though, that they're so wrapped up in their own concerns that I fade into the background. When I do try to tell them how miserable I am, they haven't the time to listen.

Another thing that isn't helping is that on Friday it'll be four years since my Mum died. I'll be alone, as usual, and won't even be able to take flowers to her grave, because my back is so painful that I won't be able to walk to the cemetery.

The mail has just arrived. My son's head teacher has written to tell me that he (my son) has been wearing jewelery that isn't permitted under the uniform regulations. The items in question are a ring on his right index finger and a birth-sign pendant on a thong around his neck. He doesn't do PE, so there's no risk of either of these items causing him injury.  The letter tells me, in no uncertain terms, that I must make sure that he stops wearing them to school, or they'll be confiscated!

It wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that half the teachers wear far more jewelery than that. Surely, the staff should lead by example.....? Or am I being naive?

I know I probably sound whiny, but I won't apologize.