The Blog of meggi51

Looking back over my previous blog postings, I see how self-pitying they seem.

 A little while ago, I was told that a pal, Fiona, who'd battled multiple cancers for the last six years, lost the fight on Saturday.

She underwent chemotherapy, that cost her her long, thick hair, radiation treatments. Both these made her really ill, but she faced them with a smile and a shrug.

Now, I feel guilty for giving in to the pain and allowing it to dominate my days.

I try to be here for anyone who needs me.

Why is it, then that no-one is here for me?

On the radio right now, is a charity appeal, asking for money for elderly people who spend all their  days alone, stuck in their houses.

I'm not elderly at 51, but I AM stuck in my house all day, with no-one to talk to.

No charity for folk like me!

I guess I just need to vent, so please bear with me, pals!

My weekend wasn't great.

As usual, I was stuck in the house, unable to go anywhere because my untreatable back condition was giving me enormous pain.

My husband had a stressful day at work and, arriving home late, got annoyed with me because I was replying to an Email and didn't immediately abandon that in order to rush down the stairs and minister to his needs!

Earlier that day, I'd posted a thread on another site, expressing my disgust with the wall-to-wall coverage of the European football tournament.

To clarify this for my American pals: by football, I mean soccer.

This tournament is for the  awarding of a trophy to the team that comes out on top after a series of play-offs.

There is not a single side from the UK taking part, yet, because TV stations had spent huge amounts of money to win the right to cover the tournament, every game is being televised.

I actually watch very little TV: last week, for instance, I watched just three hours.

BUT, I still have to pay best part of £200 a year for the right to own a TV set.

So, before I lose my way completely......

I posted this thread, saying that I am really sick of looking at the TV schedules for the coming week, to find that there's no escape from the soccer coverage.

The channels that aren't covering it are offering only repeats of of episodes of series that we've already had repeated at least twice.

Immediately I posted this, I got responses from people who told me that I could always turn off my TV and do something else! One of them went so far as to say that she thought that people like me don't seem to understand that our TV sets actually have off buttons!

An assumption was made that, because I observed that there's no quality programming for those who HATE sport, that I'm the type of person who has her TV on all the time.

I found that assumption insulting.

Another respondant suggested that I should find a hobby that doesn't involve television......?

I read, I write letters, I knit.

Someone else suggested that I should go out and either do some gardening, or go for a walk......

Duh.....! I'm crippled by pain, unable to walk more than twenty yards!  All of which I mentioned in my thread.

Today, I've received the final slap in the face.

My inability to walk far means that I haven't been out with my husband in over two months to do the grocery shopping. That's because the supermarkets have huge carparks and we most often can't find a space near to the entrance of the store.

This makes it very difficult for me, when the pain is at its worst, to make it from the car to the store..

I had an Assessment of Need last week to determine the extent of my lack of mobility on my life in general. The lady who did the assessment was very sympathetic. She encouraged me to apply for the Blue Badge: that's a card one can display in one's car windscreen, entitling one to use the parking spaces for the disabled that are situated close to the store entrances.

I had a letter this morning, telling me that I'm not entitled to the badge, because I'm not in receipt of  the Disability  Living Allowance.

I can't claim that allowance unless/until I become wheelchair-dependant.

I despair, friends.

Hubby had a rough day at work.

I sympathise, but should I drop all I'm doing the moment he walks in and dance attendance on him?

My day hasn't been all plain sailing, but I don't get a word in edgewise!

I love him to bits, and by and large, he's a terrific husband. At times, though, he can be rather judgemental where I'm concerned.

For instance: I can't work, so I depend on him for monetary allowance. It's limited.

I don't go out, but I do smoke and I like to write letters. I also like a drink.

All these things eat into my meagre allowance, so I run out of money by Thursday in any week.

Once every few weeks, I need to use my debit card to get tobacco and stamps.

He acts like I'd emptied the bank account and left us bankrupt!

 He never seems to run out of tobacco, or be short of beer, even though he supposedly has the same allowance every week.

If I could earn my own money, I would.

Sorry if I sound selfish and self-pitying, but I feel hurt.

I don't know what is going on!

I'm in pain all the time from my back, my son is going through GCSE exams and I'm menopausal.

Awful things are happening in the world in general, but I find that I no longer care.

Starvation in the Third World.....? Been going on as long as I have memory.

Floods, drought.....? The same.

I have no means with which to stop, or remedy these problems.

I get sick, therefore, of every day receiving emotive letters from various charities, begging me to make a dfonation.

I have my own problems, none of which can be solved by donations of money!

All I really want, right now, is to be on a beach, in North Wales, or North Yorkshire.  Miles away from the constant demands of my family.

I try not to be selfish.  I don't think I AM selfish. I give my whole life to my husband & son. I don't have anything else.

That's the trouble. I have no life of my own, nor can I see that I ever WILL have.

Sorry, but I needed to get this off my chest!

I'm not sure what I really want, or need to say, so can I just ramble.....?

I worry about things. It's my nature so to do.

Today, I'm concerned by our government's decision to prosecute all teenagers who carry a knife.

Given the number of fatal stabbings that are reported in the press, you'd think this a good thing.

However, it takes no account of kids who are found in possession of a simple pocket knife, or a Swiss Army knife.

Get caught in possession of ANY kind of knife under the new legislation and you'll gain a criminal record!

Is this acceptable?

I don't think it is.

Sure, stabbings SEEM to be on the increase......But it's in direct proportion to the number of instances that are reported by the media.

They make it sound as though every other teenager is packing a knife.

That isn't the truth.

I know of NO teenager who carries a knife.

They're all too scared of being pulled by the police to even carry a simple penknife.

There are many really bad kids around here, but they go ON being bad, with seeming immuinty, while our law-abiding kids are abiding are stopped and searched on the flimsiest of pretexts.

Sorry, friends, but I needed to get this off my chest!

I'm not sure what I really want, or need to say, so can I just ramble.....?

I worry about things. It's my nature so to do.

Today, I'm concerned by our government's decision to prosecute all teenagers who carry a knife.

Given the number of fatal stabbings that are reported in the press, you'd think this a good thing.

However, it takes no account of kids who are found in possession of a simple pocket knife, or a Swiss Army knife.

Get caught in possession of ANY kind of knife under the new legislation and you'll gain a criminal record!

Is this acceptable?

I don't think it is.

Sure, stabbings SEEM to be on the increase......But it's in direct proportion to the number of instances that are reported by the media.

They make it sound as though every other teenager is packing a knife.

That isn't the truth.

I know of NO teenager who carries a knife.

They're all too scared of being pulled by the police to even carry a simple penknife.

There are many really bad kids around here, but they go ON being bad, with seeming immuinty, while our law-abiding kids are abiding are stopped and searched on the flimsiest of pretexts.

Sorry, friends, but I needed to get this off my chest!

I have, as you'll know, if you've read previous posts of mine, a back condition that keeps me mostly confined to my house.

Well, that condition has, over the last few months made it difficult for me to observe strict personal hygiene.

Can't have a bath, cos I can't get in and out of the tub.

We don't have a shower, cept for a plug-on-the-taps rubber spray, with no temperature control.

Applied months ago to the Social Services for an assessment of need.

Today, it finally happened.

Couldn't believe it; the woman who did the assessment not only agreed that I NEED an over-bath shower, but went further in deciding that I need extra rails fitting in the staircase, so that it'll be easier for me to get up & down the stairs when the pain in my back is at its worst!

She has to get written confirmation of the clinical details of my back condition  from my GP, then submit her report to the Council, so it could be a good while before I hear anything.

The Council could, of course, disregard her assessment.

However, guys, after years of struggling on in pain, becoming immune to, or developing an adverse reaction to so many painkillers and being told that I simply have to put up with the increasing disability, finally, appears a glimmer of hope!

Shan't count chickens.

Think of me, my EP pals.

Will me to get that shower!

It's nearly midnight.

There's a party going on at the university. It's been going on since around four this afternoon, the music getting progressively louder.

Call me a boring old fart, but I call it selfish!

I've hardly slept all week because of the pain in my back, but tonight I upped the dosage of my prescribed (usually useless) painkillers and got into bed with my book and a cup of tea.

Just beginning to feel sleepy when the volume from the party ratchetted up to such a degree that we can hear the words of each track - from two miles distant!

Can't close the bedroom windows because it's a very stuffy night here.

Just have to hope that they'll run out of steam before too much longer.

If I don't get some sleep soon, I shall fall apart!

Guess you'll all be fed up by now, of hearing me whinge.

However, those of you who've followed my Depression theme will know from whence I come.

As usual, my dears, I'm feeling guilty.

Days without touching alcohol, then I fall off the wagon.

I feel particularly awful because my son, Calum, gave me a present today.

Couple of years ago, I had two slim vases of blue glass, given to me by an honourary aunt.

They sat on the windowsill of our living room.

Our dog, Rusty, being a great guard dog, leapt at the windowsill, when someone rang the doorbell and knocked both the vases off the sill, shattering them beyond repair.

Not Rusty's fault and I never held her responsible.

I did, however, mourn the loss of the vases.

Ten years on, my younger son remembered and when he came across a blue glass vase in a local shop, he bought it for me.

I'm looking at it now and the sight of it reduces me to tears.

He can see who I really am, forgetting all the years of my depression, the years of me drinking and being less than a real Mum.

Why can't my husband do the same.....?

Don't get me wrong; those of you who know me will know by now that I ADORE my husband.

I think he loves me, but therer are issues.

He'll never admit it, but I know that he's just as addicted to booze as I am.

Never a night goes by but he drinks at least four cans of beer.

What I don't understand is that we're both supposed to have the same amount of money each week. BUT, if I buy the same amount of mtobacco and beer as he does, I run out of money by Wednesday.

He seems to be able to carry on buying baccy and beer all through the week.

When I run out of cash - though I never ask him for money - he treats me like I'm a pathetic child, who hasn't the first idea how to handle her pocket money.

Good Lord! For more years than I could count, I managed a household budget that was far smaller than HE could imagine!

He tells me that my drinking is going to destroy our marriage.

He says that I spend more than we have coming in.

Then he goes out to the supermarket and comes back with a bottle, which he plonks down in front of me, saying, 'Don't ask for anything else!'

He says he wants me to stop drinking, yet he puts booze in front of me every day!

I'm not stupid, whatever some may think.  I really have to ask myself if my husband REALLY wants me to stop drinking, or whether he just pays lip-service to that ideal.

Anyone have any thoughts on this I'd like to hear them.

Just DON'T tell me I need to getotu more!

Hello to all who've read and commented before!

I've talked to a couple of you and received some support.

I'm asking for a little more support.

Truth is, I'm really floundering here.

Hard to know how to put this......

Well, I'm on the sauce again and I know it will gain me no brownie points when my husband comes home.

Can I tell you about something that really upset me earlier today.....?

I'm on Face-Book.

About four days ago, I responded to a post that was critical of the public transport system in this county. Specifically, the buses.

The fares have just risen, but the service remains inconsistent.

I have to walk half a mile to get to the nearest bus stop, at which, the local company tells us, there is a bus every ten minutes.

That isn't so. Last time I had to use the service, to take my son to a hospital appointment, we waited twenty-five minutes over the scheduled time for a bus. When we reached the hospital, we were late for our appointment and got put back on the list.

This bloke who responded to my FaceBook post told me that I have no right to be upset about the late running of the bus service.

The traffic is bad, he says, at peak times. There may have been an accident along the route, he says.

Sure, I accept all that. BUT, this is a daily occurrence that the buses are late, no matter WHAT time of day one has to use them.

I never use the service unless I have no choice.

Our local bus stop was removed, meaning that we now have to walk half-a-mile to the nearest stop. There we stand, waiting for a bus that turns up ten minutes late.

Once upon a time, I'd have stood there, waiting, never thinking about it.

I no longer have that luxury, because I have such pain in my back all the time that to even walk to that bus stop causes me agony.

To have to stand there and wait for ages over the time that the bus is supposed to reach that stop just adds to my pain. Not to mention the stress of having to explain why one is late for an appointment.

Why am I branded a whinger by this ignoramus on FaceBook?

He should try to use the public transport system when suffering constant, debilitating pain.

Gosh! I made it through a whole weekend without getting drunk!

Felt proud of myself!

Basked in the attention my husband gave me.

He loves me when I'm sober. He doesn't like me when I'm not.

Know what's so ironic.....? Till he & I got together, I'd been sober for two years!

He introduced me to alcohol again.

Now he hates it that booze gets the better of me......

So, here I am, Sunday, 25th May.

Thought I was doing okay, having laid off the sauce all weekend so far.

Felt pretty good, cept I didn't sleep last night. Back pain awful.

Got into gear this morning. Hung out load of washing, prepared dinner,all in the grip of tiredness and pain, decided to take some time for myself.

Stupid, stupid......Decided to have a lunchtime drink whilst answering Emails.

You know the rest......Just made the mistake of forgetting I'd put a pan on the hob, while running upstairs to check on the print-run I had going on the PC.

Next thing I know, son is yelling up the stairs that the kitchen is on fire!

Exaggeration. The pan was smoking, sure, but long way from being on fire.

Nevertheless, I've ruined the dinner and feel like I've let my family down YET AGAIN.

They put up with my mood-swings and my lapses into boozing, but I wonder how long the status quo can remain.

Life was easier when I got married for the first time in 1984.

We had NOTHING.

Our first house was uncarpetted, I had no washing machine. Used to do all the washing by hand in the sink every morning before I went to work.

No car, so I had to carry the shopping home in a bag on wheels and carrier bags.

No help from my slob of a first husband.

Things got done, though. Everything fitted around my work schedule, that of my husband, my son's school hours.So what if, occasionally, I collapsed from exhaustion-induced illness.....?

Nearly a quarter of a century later, I have an automatic washing machine, a microwave, my house is - if not up-to-the-minute - at least carpeted.

I have a telephone, a mobile and the Internet.

What I don't have is control over my life.

My husband is at work. My son is watching a DVD.

I burned the dinner, for which crime I'll be made to suffer.

Not physically, but by the tacit cutting off of me from their circle.

If, just ONCE, they could grasp how hard I battle to keep from descending into the black pit of despair; how hard I TRY to stay off the booze - how hard I fight to keep going when my back gives me unremitting agony and deprives me of sleep.....

But they don't.

I guess it's part of the human  condition that we see the doings of others only inasmuch as they impact upon our own lives.

Feedback very welcome.

This is me, Meggi, reaching out on Thursday, 22nd May, 2008.

Life is weird just now.

My younger son, Calum, has left school today. From now till the end of June he'll only go in to sit exams.

My husband, Ynys (pronounced, Inness) is in London, going to attend a concert.

I'm here, as usual, chain-smoking, while I send messages to my Internet friends.

Is it really sad to confess that you guys, in cyberspace are my only friends.....?

I am so low right now, I don't know how to describe it.

Blackest of black, bluest of blue.

I want nothing but oblivion, but I won't take the suicide option. That's too final and I couldn't do that to my family.

 I'll do what I always do at times like this......I'll get drunk.

Hi, Meggi51, here!

Today I'm down with a lousy cold, which makes me feel really fed up.

I often feel that I'm the only person who's alive in my neighbourhood, cos I never seem to see anyone around.

I spend my days alone at home, typing message to people in Internet Land.

Is this becoming an addiction?

Maybe so

Is it healthy?

Maybe no, but it's the only way I make connections with other people.

Anyone out there feel the same.....?Yet another day alone.

I'm sitting here at my PC, watching the world as represented by my back garden and wondering why I feel so isolated from life.

I hardly ever go out because 1) I have a painful back condition that makes walking more than a few yards difficult and 2) I'm always short of money.

I wish I could work, but I have no qualifications, having spent the whole of my adult life raising children and keeping house.

Once upon a time, I used to earn a little money by cleaning the houses of wealthy women, but that's closed to me now because of my back condition.

I'd hoped that when we got Internet connected, I might find some work I could do from home. That isn't happening, though, because everything I've viewed on line seems to require some initial cash outlay.

My younger son - the only child still at home - has a thriving gardening business, that brings in good money. I don't begrudge him any of it, because he works hard to earn his cash. I do feel bitter at times, though, when he talks about what he's going to buy this week. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here, often having to search for pennies just to afford the price of a stamp in order to post a letter to my two pals who aren't on line, or send a birthday card.

I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but I get so lonely and that makes me turn inward.

Doesn't help that I'm menopausal, which makes me feel old, tired and useless.

I feel guilty for the way I push my family away at times. It seems, though, that they're so wrapped up in their own concerns that I fade into the background. When I do try to tell them how miserable I am, they haven't the time to listen.

Another thing that isn't helping is that on Friday it'll be four years since my Mum died. I'll be alone, as usual, and won't even be able to take flowers to her grave, because my back is so painful that I won't be able to walk to the cemetery.

The mail has just arrived. My son's head teacher has written to tell me that he (my son) has been wearing jewelery that isn't permitted under the uniform regulations. The items in question are a ring on his right index finger and a birth-sign pendant on a thong around his neck. He doesn't do PE, so there's no risk of either of these items causing him injury.  The letter tells me, in no uncertain terms, that I must make sure that he stops wearing them to school, or they'll be confiscated!

It wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that half the teachers wear far more jewelery than that. Surely, the staff should lead by example.....? Or am I being naive?

I know I probably sound whiny, but I won't apologize.